From ‘Me to We’ and ‘We to Me’

There has been much talk recently about a shift from an individual ‘me’ focus towards a more collective ‘we’ focus. Personally, I feel both are equally important. In some countries, predominantly in the West, there is more of a focus on the individual and in the East more on the collective. Both have their merits. I like to think of it as yin and yang.

From my own experience, the integration of ‘self’ into ‘consciousness’ (more typically Eastern paradigm), and integration of ‘consciousness’ into ‘self’ (more typically Western), are ultimately two halves of the same wholeness.



The reason I came to this understanding, is that I grew up in the spiritual Hindu tradition of Advaita Vedanta. I am a twin and one of ten siblings. These factors meant I grew up with less focus on the individual self. There was more of a sense of all of us as a single collective or ‘whole.’ My spiritual journey has therefore mostly been about incorporating a largely neglected ‘me’into this felt ‘we,’ 

This was necessary in order to function fully in the world. Little things I just did automatically were for example looking at a pot of food, counting how many people were in the room and then only taking an appropriate portion, irregardless of how hungry I was.

Other ways this manifested was being able to sense when others were feeling uncomfortable. Maybe they had told a lie. I automatically did or said something to change the subject and ease their discomfort, rather than thinking about my own hurt or pain. I was also not much use in a heated debate as I could easily see and understand all viewpoints, and didn’t really have my own strong opinion. There was no black or white as far as I was concerned. I was flexible.

On the down side, I realised I was incapable of making decisions without consulting others first. I also found it difficult to give an answer that responded to a me question such as “What do you think?”, “What do you want to eat?”, “Where do you want to go on holiday.?” With my standard answer being "I don’t mind, where would you like to go, eat, do" etc. And I genuinely didn’t mind.

If someone crossed my boundaries, it would usually take a week or so for me to even realise. Even though I had a sense of something not being right, there was not enough of 'me' to be able to pin-point and articulate exactly what wasn’t right about the event or behaviour. This often left me reacting too late, angry and frustrated.

With so little of me that I could tap into, I was sometimes not even seen or simply overlooked. I could easily sense the moods of others and would adapt my behaviour, to appease a situation. I was really fluid, like flowing water that just takes the form of the container it is in, with little structure of my own.

I have come to realise that this is neither good nor bad. There are both advantages and disadvantages, however I do see the need to incorporate some of the ‘me’ into the ‘we.’

For those who have grown up the other way round - with a greater focus on the individual self and a clearer sense of me - it makes more sense to learn to bring a sense of ‘we’ into this ‘me.’

Many people fall into this category too. It is no better and no worse. It just is. Individuals with a stronger sense of self usually have a very clear idea of who they are and what they will and will not tolerate. They have strong personal boundaries and are good at making sure their needs are met.

They are often seen and take leadership positions as they can make strong decisions and defend their positions. They tend to think in a more black and white manner. It is as though they offer a structure of some kind, or a container to the fluidity of the ‘we’ types.

Yet they often struggle to see the bigger picture and putting the needs of others before their own. They can display behaviours that may seem rigid or small-minded. In addition the deep self-focus can result in their world becoming small, and revolving purely around themselves and their needs.

Ideally, we would all incorporate both aspects (the structure of the 'me' and the fluidity of the 'we') into our lives, bringing in both the yin and the yang in balanced measures.

This is what I have been mindfully working on recently. The journey is fun! 

Blessings
Madhuri

Picture - "Lotus" - Taken by Madhuri Fichtmüller - Copyright 2020